A Monkey’s Tale VI

While we do not know for sure that aliens are lurking around every corner, or yowis for that matter, or that the centre of the earth is hollow, that cabbages are evil, or even necessarily that the sun is a spinning cube, what we do know is that over the last 30 years or so, the metaphysics doomsday duo of Stanford and Chiappalone have made numerous, perhaps countless, prophecies. Many of them are not original, being based on expert forecast and projection, such as greenhouse effect and natural resource depletion, and as such are not properly prophetic. They just selectively regurgitate negative material as part of a dramatic story that the world is going to end any day.

But amongst them have been proper prophecies, in which Chiappalone and Stanford have predicted that something big would happen at a certain time, usually cataclysmic, such as World War 3 or earthquakes, which it would not be possible to know of with a high degree of certainty by rational means. Implied, naturally, is that Chiappalone and Stanford are god-like if not gods, and that the supernatural is most definitely involved. They’re also conveniently the ticket to rescue from the prophesised disasters. Of course anyone like this anyone would like to know. Who doesn’t want to know the future, and be saved from it if necessary? But as always with doomsday prophets, whether they’re worth their salt comes down ultimately to their prophecy success rate. See chart for that below.

Amitakh Stanford as the monkey god Ooh-ah and co-god Joseph Chiappalone, and their illustrious 30 year track record in prophecy.
Amitakh Stanford as the monkey god Ooh-ah and co-god Joseph Chiappalone, and their illustrious 30 year track record in prophecy.

The usual device or excuse that both Stanford and Chiappalone rely on for prophecy failure is timing variability, but after endless attempts over 30 years surely they’ve have had long enough in trying to prove themselves. Stanford’s new approach is to accurately prophesize major events, often wars between alien factions, down to the very day, that no one can see. That *is* something. One might then ask, are Stanford and Chiappalone deities or douches?

It is said that Stanford was once asked “Why do you keep on making new prophecies when they never come to pass?” and she brazenly retorted “I predict my next one will be right!”.

Given Stanford’s recent prophecy that New York will be assaulted on December 12, changing the face of the city, the question might be asked, will she finally get one right!?


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